


Not It!

by nadagio



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Awkward Sexual Situations, Crack, Established Relationship, Fluff and Smut, Humor, M/M, This is ridiculous, Unsafe Sex, Vague Canon AU, honestly mostly humor, please use condoms, these boys are idiots
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-04
Updated: 2018-03-04
Packaged: 2019-03-26 19:01:24
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,158
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13863996
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nadagio/pseuds/nadagio
Summary: "ObviouslyI’mtopping!”“Obviously not,” Keith says flatly, “Because I am.”“No!”“No?”“No.”Lance wants to go, uh... "all the way" with his boyfriend and runs into a bit of a roadblock. Who will bottom?





	Not It!

**Author's Note:**

> Continuing the great WIP purge of 2018, I bring you... uh. This.
> 
> Honestly, this is silly crackfic so please don't take it too seriously. Opinions expressed by the characters are not necessarily my own.

“Oh my- _f-fuuuu_ UUUUCK! Keith, I -”

Lance gasps, lifting his chin higher to allow easier access to his neck for Keith’s glorious lips and tongue and _teeth -_ holy shit that feels _amazing._ It will also probably leave a bruise the size of a golf ball, but Lance can’t bring himself to care right now.

Keith hums in acknowledgement and pleasure – mouth too busy to otherwise respond – while Lance’s hands grip his boyfriend’s ass to rock their hips together over and over. His hard, needy dick is grateful for the rhythmic pressure and friction, even with the layers of clothing that separate them.

“Please, oh fuck- _Please!”_ Lance whines.

Ever eager to oblige when it comes to his partner’s sexual gratification, Keith quickly unzips and stuffs a hand down Lance’s pants.

Lance keens. His spine curls as practiced fingers wrap around his dick and start to stroke and he can feel Keith’s lips twist in a smirk against his skin. It feels so good. Hot and familiar and oh so _good,_ the only thing that might make it better is -

“Wait!” Lance shouts, breathless. “No, I -”

Keith’s hand stops. His mouth pulls away and he looks down at Lance with a frown.

“Lance?” Keith mutters. His lips are red and swollen, his face flushed, his hair disheveled. He’s so sexy. Fuck. Why did Lance want to stop, again? “What’s wrong?”

“Um…” Lance is unable to resist pressing his hips up a bit into Keith’s fist and is rewarded with a heavenly squeeze. But that’s not what he really wants. He’s had plenty of handjobs, plenty of blowjobs and that’s great – fantastic even – but there’s something he wants to _do._ If Lance can just fight the fog of lust to _say-_ “Oh! Uh, I was thinking- maybe if you’re ready… Do you want to...?”

Lance waits, panting. Keith pouts, uncomprehending.

“You know…” Lance waggles eyebrows for effect. _“Do it?”_

“Do it?” Keith repeats, nose scrunching in a way that Lance usually finds adorable but right now is interfering with the continuation of their journey toward mutual orgasm. “What the hell is ‘it?’ I thought we were already ‘doing it.’”

“Yeah,” Lance sighs. “But, I mean, do you want to go…” He lowers his voice with a seductive leer. _“All the way?”_

Keith frowns, clearly no closer to comprehending Lance’s meaning. Lance raises his eyebrows and reluctantly removes his hands from Keith’s glorious ass to make a crude gesture. And… nothing. Nada. Zero understanding. Lance sighs again.

“Anal sex,” Lance says flatly. “Do you want to have anal sex?”

“Oh!” Keith is wide-eyed. He removes his hand from Lance’s dick and sits up. “Yeah, uh… let me just…”

Lance watches with growing excitement as Keith crawls out of bed to fetch the bottle of lube. They’ve used it a few times just to have some fun and reduce friction but they’ve never done _this._ And after waiting for a while to see if Keith would bring it up himself, Lance worked up the courage to ask and Keith said _yes!_

Keith tosses the bottle on the mattress and quickly strips off his scant remaining clothing while Lance rushes to do the same. Soon they’re naked and they’re kissing and hands are roaming and it’s fucking fantastic. If Lance was hard before he’s fucking _throbbing_ now, so eager to finally experience -

Lance pulls back an inch. “I’ve, uh, never done this before…” he admits with a wobbly smirk.

“Me neither,” Keith says, but he’s smiling and he looks just as eager. He reaches for the bottle of lube and squeezes some onto his fingers. “But I know what to do. I mean, I’ve read about it.”

“So confident!” Lance laughs. “Good thing I like you cocky, these days.”

“Oh, I know you like my cock.” Keith smirks and kisses the sputtering giggles from Lance’s mouth.

The kiss deepens. Lance moans and his tongue roams. His body temperature climbs higher and his hips rut helplessly. He prays Keith will get the preparation over with quickly so they can move on to the main event or this might be over way too soon.

And then Lance feels a cold, slippery finger probing the rim of his asshole.

 _“Fuck!”_ he yelps, scrambling away to the other end of the bed. “What the fuck!”

“What- Lance?” Keith is frowning again.

“What was _that?”_ Lance screeches, pointing at the offending hand, slick with lube.

Keith looks at his fingers and then back to Lance with a look of disbelief. “You do know how anal sex works, right? I can’t just stick my dick in.”

“No! I mean -” Lance waves his hands. “Why are you doing it to _me?_ Obviously _I’m_ topping!”

“Obviously not,” Keith says flatly, “Because I am.”

“No!”

“No?”

_“No.”_

They scowl and cross their arms in sync, eyeing each other warily.

“What do you mean _obviously?”_ Keith says. “Why would you assume I’d bottom?”

“You’re gay!” Lance says. “And I’m only _half_ gay. I thought you _like_ dick!”

“The fuck- you like dick too! Just because I’m gay doesn’t mean I want a dick up my _ass!”_

“Well why do you think I’d want a dick up _my_ ass!?”

“You _asked_ for anal! And you -”

Lance narrows his eyes when Keith abruptly cuts himself off and looks away.

“What about me?” he prompts.

Keith shrugs. “You know. You’re kind of…”

 _“What,”_ Lance hisses.

Keith shifts uncomfortably before his resolve seemingly hardens and he turns back to Lance with a grimace.

“Sometimes you’re a bit… effeminate.”

Lance gasps. “You did not just say that!” He grabs a pillow and chucks it at his boyfriend. Keith knocks it away because he’s inconveniently a badass with good reflexes.

“It’s not a bad thing!” Keith protests. “It’s great! I love everything about you!”

“It’s some sexist, stereotyping bullshit is what it is!”

“I didn’t say it makes sense, I was just explaining why I thought… wrong, apparently.”

“Very wrong!”

“Fine!”

“Good!”

They continue to frown at each other, arousal unfortunately lost with the interruption and argument. The mood is thoroughly gone. It seems unlikely that any orgasms are imminent. What a tragic outcome to such promising beginnings.

“So you _really_ won’t -” Keith starts.

“No way!” Lance says, wincing at the thought. “That would be -”

What would it be? Lance doesn’t know. He just knows he doesn’t want to find out. Maybe it makes him hypocritical or selfish to ask without being willing to give, but… dammit, his ass is literally on the line here!

“So I guess that means no anal sex, then,” Keith says eventually.

“What, ever?” Lance moans, disappointed. He had really been looking forward to it. “You don’t think we could still try?”

“One of us has to be on the bottom to do it, Lance.” Keith rolls his eyes. “Are you volunteering?”

“No!” Lance pouts. “Will you?”

“No.”

Lance sighs and crawls forward to wrap his arms around his boyfriend, looking at him with pleading eyes.

“Not even if I ask very nicely?” Lance whispers and tugs on Keith’s earlobe with his teeth.

“Nope.”

“What if I beg?”

“Sounds annoying.”

“If I owe you a huge favor?”

“Not interested.”

“Hmm.” Lance smirks. He needs to play on Keith’s desire to top. To _win._ If there’s at least a chance... “What about… a game? And the winner tops.”

“Why should I play a stupid game?” Keith huffs. “I like the sex we’ve had before, we don’t need to do anything else.”

The real kicker is, he probably means it. The sex _is_ awesome. Time to up the stakes.

“You’re just afraid you’ll lose,” Lance taunts. Keith’s eyes narrow.

“...What kind of game are you thinking of?”

* * *

Ultimately, they discard a number of games for being “unfair,” “too time consuming,” or “nothing but pure chance.” They settle on the ultimate tie breaker.

Rock, paper, scissors.

The tension in that room as they sit naked and cross-legged, facing each other on the bed, could have powered the whole castleship for a week.

“You ready for this?” Lance says, fist held on the palm of his other hand.

“Oh, yeah,” Keith says. “I was _born_ for this.”

Another moment of posturing and then they’re fucking _on._

“Rock! Paper! Scissors!” They shout in unison, pumping their fists, and then stare at their hands. Both rock.

Lance sighs and says, “Again!”

“Rock! Paper! Scissors!” Both scissors. “Again!”

“Rock! Paper! Scissors!” Scissors and -

“HAH!” Lance crows, jumping from the bed to punch the air. “Eat it! Scissors cuts paper, _Keith!”_

“Two out of three,” Keith says, scowling, and Lance shakes his head with grin.

“Nooooo way, Jose,” he says. “We could play that game forever. I _won!_ Accept your loss with dignity, sugarpie.”

Keith sighs and flops onto his back. Lance feels a flicker of remorse for being a braggart. Imagine if _Keith_ had won! He shudders.

“...Keith?”

“First of all -” Keith says firmly, “You’re gonna do it _exactly_ like I tell you, _got it?”_

“Got it,” Lance says, crawling onto the bed and hovering over his boyfriend. His smile is probably a few degrees past insufferable. “What else?”

“Second.” Keith pokes him in the cheek. “It gets too uncomfortable, I tell you to stop, you _stop_ and we never do this again. Got it?”

“Got it,” Lance repeats, nodding. He grabs Keith’s finger and sucks it into his mouth. Keith’s breath hitches. Oh yeah, he’s got it. Lance release the finger with a pop and says, “So are we gonna try it now?”

Keith lets out a heavy sigh and Lance thinks the man has maybe missed his calling as a thespian. People think _Lance_ is the drama queen!

“Get the lube,” Keith grumbles, and Lance hastens to obey.

He fumbles with the bottle, popping it open to squirt some out onto his fingers, and Keith watches him like he’s getting ready to judge Lance’s lube technique. Hell, maybe he is.

“One finger to start,” Keith reminds him, opening his legs and eyeing the hand coming toward his ass like it might sprout fangs and bite him. Seriously, drama queen. “And don’t just… shove in! Be gentle, ease it in.”

Lance does his best to oblige, lightly circling the rim of Keith’s asshole with a curious finger. Keith shifts a bit and Lance stops, concerned.

“Okay?” he asks.

“Yeah,” Keith says, “It’s uh… yeah. Keep going.”

Lance presses forward, trying to “ease it in” without much luck until Keith visible exhales and… relaxes? He does _something,_ anyway, and then his finger is practically sucked into Keith’s ass.

“Woah,” Lance says, wiggling his finger a tiny bit. “That doesn’t hurt, does it?”

“...No. It’s a bit. Strange?” Keith says. He shifts on the mattress again. “But no. Doesn’t hurt. Move it around? In and out? I don’t know, just move.”

Lance moves his finger and watches Keith breathe, a puzzled frown on his face. After a while he says, “Okay. I guess, try a second one? Gentle!”

Lance withdraws and carefully presses two fingertips to Keith’s asshole. It’s more difficult than just one, and Keith visible tenses once they’re inside him.

“Hold on,” Keith says, but Lance wasn’t even moving. He takes a few deep breaths. “Okay, keep going.”

Like with one, Lance move his two fingers in and out – mimicking what he hopes to do soon with his dick. Holy shit, his _dick_ will be in that. In Keith’s ass. Where it’s so soft and unbelievably tight. He swallows.

After some time Lance notices that Keith is actually sort of… rocking _into_ Lance’s hand. Like maybe he likes it.

“Does that… feel good?” Lance asks, surprised. Keith isn’t hard, but he looks like maybe his dick is starting to swell up a bit. Quarter chub? Just from Lance’s fingers in his ass!

“Um. A little?” Keith shrugs. “I mean, I thought it would hurt. And there was a bit of a stretch, but actually it feels kind of… nice. Yeah.”

Nice. Huh.

“Wanna try a third?” Lance asks, and Keith nods without so much as a nervous look or a reminder to “be gentle.”

He tries a third. Three fingers is slower to press in than two and Keith takes some shallow breaths but he seems to recover more quickly this time.

“Keep going,” Keith urges, closing his eyes. He reaches down to stroke his own cock.

“Want me to help with that?” Lance asks.

“Hmm?”

“I could use my mouth.”

“Yeah, okay.”

So Lance leans over and mouths at Keith’s dick, using tongue and lips and his spare hand until Keith is fully erect. His fingers never falter in Keith’s ass.

“Try... “ Keith says. “Uh, try curling your fingers. Up? I read that, uh, if you can find my prostate then -”

Keith cuts off with a gasp and a full body jerk. Lance freezes.

“Keith!? What’s up, babe?”

“Fuck!” Keith says, panting. “I think that was it. Do that again!”

“That was good?” Lance confirms.

“Yes, that was fucking _fantastic!”_ Keith punches Lance on the shoulder. “Now do it again, dammit!”

“Okay,” Lance says, laughing in relief. He returns to the task at hand: doing “that” again. “You said it’s your prostate? Does it really -?”

“Holy shit!” Keith shouts, bucking his hips. “Again, again, again. Do that forever, Lance, and keep touching my dick!”

So Lance does “that” and keeps touching Keith’s dick. Only his wrist is starting to get tired and he _really_ wants to try putting his cock in Keith’s ass.

It’s only a minute or two before he pulls away. A minute of Keith squirming and groaning and just generally being sexy enough to make Lance super horny.

“Are you ready to try my dick?” Lance asks.

“Yes! Fine, just,” Keith rocks his hips but Lance doesn’t budge. He sighs. “Hold on, I want to turn over.”

“Sure.”

“Don’t forget to use lube,” Keith reminds him, rolling over and tucking his knees under his chest.

“Obviously!” Lance says, reaching for the bottle. But he really did forget until Keith reminded him.

“Hurry up, Lance.”

Lance laughs and lubes up his cock. “Well aren’t _you_ eager? What happened to never being on the bottom?”

“Lance.” Keith reaches back to pull Lance’s hips toward his ass. “Quit being smug and fuck me already.”

“Sir, yes, sir.”

Lance lines up his dick and presses forward into Keith’s slicked up hole. It’s slow and it’s _so_ tight and Lance can’t help but whimper a little bit. Keith doesn’t bother to hold in his own impassioned moan.

Once he’s finally all the way in, Lance holds  _very_ still and doesn’t move. More for his own sake than Keith’s. It feels _really_ good, okay, better than he’d ever dreamed, even, and he does _not_ want to come in the first minute.

Keith pants and doesn’t immediately tell him to hurry up already, so he probably needs a moment to adjust too.

“Hey, Keith?”

“Hmm?”

“You know I love you, right?”

Keith laughs and they both groan as his body shakes. Ooh, too soon.

“Yeah, I know. And I love you, Lance, but I’d really like to get on with the fucking now.”

“Good, me too.”

Lance flexes his hips and it’s great. It’s fantastic. And it seems Keith is feeling pretty good right now too, considering the high-pitched _whine_ that comes out of his mouth.

“Again, again, again!” Keith demands.

Lance does his best to oblige, fucking in and out of Keith’s ass and it’s like nirvana it feels so good.

But as they continue, as Keith starts making noises Lance has _never_ heard from him before, as Keith breaks down into the most fucked out, pleasure driven creature Lance could have ever imagined… Lance starts to wonder if maybe Keith hadn’t gotten the better end of this deal.

The thought is distant and not his central concern because, hello, _his dick is in Keith’s ass right now._ But still.

Keith claws at the sheets, jerking his own cock with a desperate and senseless moan. Lance can feel himself nearing the edge.

“Better come soon, babe,” Lance gasps out, “‘cause I’m about to blow.”

Keith makes a repetitive noise that might be some variation on “yes” or “please.” Whatever he says it must mean he’s close, because soon after he’s coming.

Which is when Keith’s ass somehow impossibly _tightens_ around Lance’s dick and that’s the end of Lance’s self control. He orgasms and it’s definitely top three in Lance’s list of best orgasms of his life so far. Well, definitely top five. The bar is set pretty damned high after all – all orgasms on record were had with Keith and they’ve had some great sex in his not so humble opinion.

They collapse in a sweaty heap, Lance’s cock slipping out of Keith in a mess of lube and semen. Gross.

Lance rolls them onto their sides and wraps around Keith with a happy sigh. In his arms Keith shakes, still recovering from having his ass pounded probably.

“You okay?” Lance says, kissing Keith’s gross sweaty shoulder because he loves his boyfriend even when he’s gross and sweaty.

“Wow,” Keith says, voice breathy and shocked. He turns in Lance’s arms and looks at him with wide eyes. “That was… wonderful and not at all what I expected.”

“You expected it would suck?” Lance pouts, even though that’s exactly what _Lance_ expected and why he didn’t want to bottom.

“Yeah, but it didn’t. At all. Like, it was -” Keith blows out a heavy breath. “Wow.”

Despite everything, Lance feels a bit… curious. A bit… envious?

“That good, huh? It sure sounded like you were having fun.”

“Lance.” Keith cups both of Lance’s cheeks in sweaty palms. “It’s like -” But he can’t finish, just shakes his head.

“Yeah, okay, you’ve convinced me.” Lance smirks. “I guess next time it will be my turn?”

“Uh…” Keith frowns. “I mean, you don’t have to… do that, Lance. I lost, remember? So I bottom.”

“That doesn’t mean you have to bottom every time, honeybunch,” Lance points out, eyebrows lifted. “We can take turns.”

“You didn’t want to try it though, remember?” Keith says. “I won’t make you do that when _I_ can do it. Problem solved.”

“Babe, love, light of my life,” Lance says, “I changed my mind. I know you liked it and want to do it again, but just because I want to try it doesn’t mean you won’t bottom again.”

“Yeah…” Keith sighs. “Okay, we’ll try it. Next time.”

* * *

When “next time” comes around, Lance takes Keith’s dick up his ass and his life is forever changed.

After, Lance tells his boyfriend “I will never top again” and briefly fears for his life. (Keith should _not_ keep his knife under the pillow, dammit.) They have the most explosive argument of their relationship to date, then finally agree to compromise and take turns. Sort of.

They play “rock, paper, scissors” every time to decide who gets to bottom. And they live (mostly) happily ever after.

**Author's Note:**

> Tbh this was inspired by some of the stereotyping of m/m relationships in fanfiction, the obsession with who is a "top" or a "bottom", and just... these two idiots being idiots. Hope you enjoyed. :)


End file.
